Sleep will evade me tonight; as the thunderous sounds of the storm startle me awake, only moments after I have fallen asleep.
So now I sit here, fearful of starting another week. Every avenue through which I have sought relief from these realities has been fleeting. Every way in which I have sought to alleviate that which overwhelms me, I have become the toaster at my own wake. Every tree under which I have sat for shade, you oh God, have caused to wither and die. I am like a wolf pup that you have forced on its back. Gnawing and clawing at your hands I struggle for freedom, yet you persist in my submission. My will is not easily broken, and I have fought you for years.
Tonight oh God, I raise a white flag. Yet even as I write these words I know that my heart remains far from you. What good are my words should I forsake all of my desires, rendering myself defenseless in times of great trial and doubt, while knowing that I will only fall to the whims of the flesh which beckons me in such time? How I long to be rid of all distractions… my television, my laptop, my cell phone; things which amuse me and keep me from thinking about harsh realities such as destruction, imminent death and decay, loneliness, hostility. I could live without these distractions, yet even as I write these words I know full well that I cannot.
If I might only catch a glimpse of your purposes; if I may only catch a glimpse of your intention, your hopes for your sons and daughters, your ambitions for all that you have created, than I might live in accordance with those purposes. Perhaps I could be delivered from the absurdities of excess and the vanity of life. Perhaps I could be delivered from myself, my own narcissistic egocentrisms which enslave me to myself.
When therefore, I cross myself, I will remember that I have been crucified with Christ, and have now crucified the flesh with all of its passions and desires. The life I will then live will not be unto myself oh God, but unto you.
Father, may it ever be so… may you forgive me for you have blessed me abundantly yet my existence is self serving. It would be easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for me to forsake my earthly riches. May you show me the cost of my worldly choice… gently.
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