I find an answer to the question I have recently posed. That question is: Is intellectual ascent necessary for salvation, or even sanctification? That is, is it because I can understand certain concepts that I am now acceptable and pleasing to God? Is my sanctification contingent upon my continued acquiring of knowledge?
A’ Kempis resolves this issue for me but while resolving one issue he creates an even bigger one. For he says: “What avail is it to a man to reason about the high, secret mysteries of the Trinity if he lack humility and so displeases the Holy Trinity? Truly, it avails nothing. Deeply inquisitive reasoning does not make a man holy or righteous, but a good life makes him beloved by God. I would rather feel compunction of heart for my sins than merely know the definition of compunction.”
A’ Kempis gives credence to my dilemma, but beams a bright light into a very dark corner of my being. Perhaps it is not fair to call it a corner, but rather the totality of the condition of my soul. So, in my academic ambitions, I find that it is only for worldly accolades that I labor toward higher learning, and of this higher learning I will only be more severely judged for the knowledge I have acquired yet have never implemented (“ The more knowledge you have, the more grievously will you be judged for its misuse, if you do not live according to it.” p. 5).
Even as I read on, A’ Kempis throws my soul into a tantrum, because he is demanding of his readers the self sacrifice that I believe is so often fashionably spoken of in churches, yet is scorned in its application. I know this because I know that it is true of me. There are some things that I have given up as sins that were obvious, and which most Christian authority rallies against to hold individuals accountable. As for a lifestyle of sacrifice, I do not desire what it truly mandates.
I measure everything in terms of profit, though I do this unknowingly, it is all the same. Every job I have taken has not been weighed in terms of the service that I could provide, but rather the honor that would be bestowed upon me for that service. Every friend I make or currently have is seen only in light of what that relationship can provide in terms of affirmation, confirmation, comfort, enjoyment, and further learning. Every good deed is robbed of sacrifice and nobility: “Oh, where may any be found who will serve God freely and purely, without looking for some reward in return? And where may any be found so spiritual that he is clearly delivered and freed from love of himself, truly poor in spirit, and wholly separated from love of creatures?"
I am but a man clothed in an honorary religious cloak, yet underneath I am just as self centered as the world I presume to rebuke.
I feel a great tension as I want to reply to A’ Kempis’ words with a “but”, yet I hear the words of a man who says “This is a book that will feed your soul. It will feed your soul if you are willing to listen…” In listening I feel both liberated and bound. I have long desired to die to myself. I have long desired to be dead to the passions and desires and quests for affirmation. I have long desired to mortify the will which may be “free” but will conform to the desires of the flesh at the faintest whispers of its calling.All of this A' Kempis has called his readers into conformity, and all of this in one sense finds reception in my heart.
But the tension is this: I must ask of A’ Kempis, why is it that you despise so much that which God has created, and I may make the argument, has created for our pleasure? Why is it that you deny and deprive yourself from the comfort that can be yours when you seek to nurture your soul rather than forsake it, and others? You say: “If you seek your Lord Jesus in all things you will truly find Him, but if you seek yourself you will find yourself, and that will be to your own great loss (54).” I understand what you are saying here. Much of what I know of myself is but loss, but Christ is not outside of me (at least I do not believe him to be). It has been the journey inward, seeking to understand the depths by which I was created and the pains that have in turn created my undesired external faculties, that I have found more of Christ and less of myself.
My problem A’kempis, is not a lack of self hatred, for if self hatred is the measure of discipleship, than I would be hard pressed to find fault in my pursuit of Christ (though you have not used such terms, I hear it in your words). It is the despising of myself that has caused me to seek relief, and this relief is the weaknesses of the flesh alleviated by sin.
It has been in introspection that I have found the depths of Christ’s affection for me, and in that moment I have freedom from the hatred that does not allow for self denial, which you have challenged of your reader.
Is there then any reason for me to assume that preservation from sin then, is solely an act of Christ’s benevolence? We are then in agreement that this cannot be the case, for if this is so than it is Christ who has failed when I surrender to the whims of the flesh. So then “What a man is inwardly in his conscience, that he shows himself to be by his outward deportment. If there is any true joy in this world, a man of clean conscience has it; if there is tribulation or anguish anywhere, an evil conscience knows it best (50).”
It is then my deeds which have brought about the grievances and heaviness of heart and conscience that I now feel. If my conscience is consumed because it has grieved Christ, than outwardly it will show itself to be so. If then I am to have peace with Christ, I must cleanse my conscience, and in order to cleanse my conscience I must then abstain from that which displeases my Lord. But I must not simply abstain, but also adhere to that which has been asked of me as one follows after Him. That which has been asked of me is to deny myself and take up my cross. For this gift A' Kempis, I am thankful to you.
“Jesus has many lovers of His kingdom of heaven, but He has few bearers of his Cross. Many desire His consolation, but few desire His tribulation. He finds many comrades in eating and drinking, but He finds few who will be with Him in His abstinence and fasting. All men would joy with Christ, but few will suffer anything for Christ…(60)”
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