I can remember being about five years old and knowing for the first time what I wanted to be when I grew up. I'm pretty sure I was about five (?). (Here comes some inner dialogue). I didn't really know my father until I was about four and he played a prominent role in this story, so yes, I must have been five .
I wanted to be a police officer. The image in my mind was of a strong man who said little because words were unnecessary. His presence commanded respect and he helped people. He also had power. Whereas a five year old runt had no authority, a policeman boldly told people which way the parade was going.
I was in the car with my father, his then girlfriend, (soon to be ex-wife number 2) Michelle, and two of her three kids. We were driving on Rte. 340 just pass N. Bailey Road in Coatesville. I can't remember if someone asked me or if I just volunteered the information, but I announced that I wanted to be a cop. My ambition was met with the words, "that's very dangerous. You could get hurt or killed if you were a cop. Maybe you should be something else."
This is just the first of a long line of crushed ambitions. I've found not only in my experience but through observation that fathers who feel small are threatened by the thought of a son being more successful then they are. Sort of a twisted male version of mothers who get jealous of their daughters.
All that to say, I'm terrified of articulating my ambitions because I fear the prospect of failing.
I've got a dream so big right now that I'm afraid to put it into words. I've got a dream so important to me I'm afraid to let others see it for fear that they won't understand. I'm starting the process of putting language and wheels to this ambition. I've made some amazing connections and the pieces are already falling into place, but the fear of failure can be debilitating at times.
I can however say this. Whatever my lot, whatever my course, I want to be known as one who sought to emulate Christ. If I could get to choose beyond that how I would be remembered it would be as one of those rare few who were both a practitioner and scholar of the Christian faith.
The recent death of John Stott catapults him to the top of the list for those who accomplished this. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, N.T. Wright, John H. Armstrong, Leslie Newbigin, J.I. Packer, Scot McKnight, are just some others who come to mind in more recent times.
The first man to exhibit this quality for me however, is a local hero by the name of Jim Ayers. He will forever be the O.G. of scholarly practitioners in my mind.
It really seems like people can't have both. For instance, I grow weary of folks who could be great servants of the Kingdom if they weren't exhausting all of their energy seeking acceptance in academic circles (shit, I think I just described myself!).
Likewise, those with scholarly minds who seek to be relevant strike me as disingenuous.
But if I could be only one, I would be the practitioner. I would much rather be a Mother Theresa than a... I could put a few names here but I guess it's best I don't drop names to describe who I don't want to be like.
Permit me to say that I hope I never allow myself to become an "ivory tower theologian". I never want to become a person who self soothes my soul by believing my relationship with Christ is in good standing because I can exegete the bible.
I'm learning to prefer Christ over recognition. If Jesus keeps at it, maybe I'll be okay with a life of obscurity. This way, I can relinquish my vision to others instead of selfishly and fearfully holding it inside.
Who knows, maybe we shall soon see an affordable, ecumenical institute in Lancaster which brings people together from various traditions and ethnicities to learn theology as practice, not abstraction. Maybe we'll see one of the first institutes that's an extension of the churches in its community.
When I grow up, I want to help mend the body of Christ in my community by offering... whatever it is I have to offer. If I could be a part of this, not alone but with my brothers and sisters, then that will be the day when I'm all "growed up"!
I wanted to be a police officer. The image in my mind was of a strong man who said little because words were unnecessary. His presence commanded respect and he helped people. He also had power. Whereas a five year old runt had no authority, a policeman boldly told people which way the parade was going.
I was in the car with my father, his then girlfriend, (soon to be ex-wife number 2) Michelle, and two of her three kids. We were driving on Rte. 340 just pass N. Bailey Road in Coatesville. I can't remember if someone asked me or if I just volunteered the information, but I announced that I wanted to be a cop. My ambition was met with the words, "that's very dangerous. You could get hurt or killed if you were a cop. Maybe you should be something else."This is just the first of a long line of crushed ambitions. I've found not only in my experience but through observation that fathers who feel small are threatened by the thought of a son being more successful then they are. Sort of a twisted male version of mothers who get jealous of their daughters.
All that to say, I'm terrified of articulating my ambitions because I fear the prospect of failing.
I've got a dream so big right now that I'm afraid to put it into words. I've got a dream so important to me I'm afraid to let others see it for fear that they won't understand. I'm starting the process of putting language and wheels to this ambition. I've made some amazing connections and the pieces are already falling into place, but the fear of failure can be debilitating at times.
I can however say this. Whatever my lot, whatever my course, I want to be known as one who sought to emulate Christ. If I could get to choose beyond that how I would be remembered it would be as one of those rare few who were both a practitioner and scholar of the Christian faith.
The recent death of John Stott catapults him to the top of the list for those who accomplished this. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, N.T. Wright, John H. Armstrong, Leslie Newbigin, J.I. Packer, Scot McKnight, are just some others who come to mind in more recent times.
The first man to exhibit this quality for me however, is a local hero by the name of Jim Ayers. He will forever be the O.G. of scholarly practitioners in my mind.
It really seems like people can't have both. For instance, I grow weary of folks who could be great servants of the Kingdom if they weren't exhausting all of their energy seeking acceptance in academic circles (shit, I think I just described myself!).
Likewise, those with scholarly minds who seek to be relevant strike me as disingenuous.
But if I could be only one, I would be the practitioner. I would much rather be a Mother Theresa than a... I could put a few names here but I guess it's best I don't drop names to describe who I don't want to be like.
Permit me to say that I hope I never allow myself to become an "ivory tower theologian". I never want to become a person who self soothes my soul by believing my relationship with Christ is in good standing because I can exegete the bible.
I'm learning to prefer Christ over recognition. If Jesus keeps at it, maybe I'll be okay with a life of obscurity. This way, I can relinquish my vision to others instead of selfishly and fearfully holding it inside.
Who knows, maybe we shall soon see an affordable, ecumenical institute in Lancaster which brings people together from various traditions and ethnicities to learn theology as practice, not abstraction. Maybe we'll see one of the first institutes that's an extension of the churches in its community.
When I grow up, I want to help mend the body of Christ in my community by offering... whatever it is I have to offer. If I could be a part of this, not alone but with my brothers and sisters, then that will be the day when I'm all "growed up"!
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