Time to Disappear

It’s incredibly strange how anger, resentment, angst, agitation can creep into your life. I always think of myself as a person who is committed to finding the source so that the symptoms are not belched on to everyone within reach.

That is to say, behavior is always driven by a source. More often than not the behavior is only a symptom of the source that we are too afraid to confront. None of this is intentional. Projection is not a conscious choice.

A man who has invested a great deal in me once challenged me, when I was angry with someone or engaging in behavior meant to alleviate such burdens, to stop and bring to the forefront of my mind exactly what motivated the behavior.

I’ve been trying to get to a place where it takes less time for me to identify my symptoms and track them back to the source. It’s a lot of work. There’s a reason that our minds create these barriers: to protect us from the pain a full frontal confrontation will bring. In the long run, addressing such issues is far greater than the damage it causes inwardly and for those who love you when they are suppressed.  

I had a nickname in college that demonstrates one of my major symptoms. One of my professors used to call me “Mr. Jaded and Cynical”. Truth be told, I think the reason he did this was because he suffered from the same symptoms. The old adage “it takes one to know one” is incredibly accurate.

Whenever my tone (in print or in-person) becomes caustic, hostile, or juvenile, I’ve got some things to work out.

So I’m going to disappear for awhile. I’m going to work on making things right, confronting those whom deserve my anger, stop making others pay for it, and lay down these burdens I carry unnecessarily. I’m going to become a bit more contemplative and reflective. I’m going to throw myself into my studies (my act of worship). I’m going to start living with my wife instead of inside my head.

The more I think of it, my burdens sound like powerful gods to which I must appease, bending and bowing before their demands. I hate them. I renounce them. I will confront them and put them in their proper place.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.