Why I Wish Everything was Meaningless: Becoming an Optimistic Nihilist

When I was a kid I LOVED Cosmology!

THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MAKEUP OR HAIR! It's the study of the universe as a whole.

Now let me just say that I certainly wasn't a brainy dweeb, I limped my way through most of my school years with D's and F's. So the mechanics of the universe didn't excite me as much as the mystery of it all. I liked to stargaze and think about all of the unexplored territory of the heavens.
In thinking about the universe as a young boy, the BIG QUESTIONS would come to me.

• What are the parameters of the universe?
• If the universe could be contained, what was outside of it?
• What set the universe into motion/existence?
• What was before the universe?
• That question presupposes that the universe was at some time an infinite space in which matter did not exist. Therefore, what was in that space before matter? and, what generated that matter?
• If there is space without matter, is it really space or rather nothingness/void? 
• Is the distinction between space and nothingness semantics, or is space an identifiable element of its own?
• With said proposition about space, space must be an allotted area which is perceived. What is it then, that perceives space, in which matter exists?
• If it was God who put all things into motion, perceives space, and creates matter, what was before Him/Her/It?

All of those questions led me as a young boy to the question of WHY?

Why is the most dangerous of all questions. When setting aside all thoughts of abstraction, we are still left with the question of purpose. When the universe is as vast and as disconcerting as it appears to be, and we are as small and as insignificant as the very void I pondered, then hopelessness is the conclusion I came to as a child.

Of course I found purpose later in life, through faith. But now I acknowledge that in finding faith, I abandoned the pursuit unlocking the mysteries of the universe.

I recently rediscovered this treasure cove of thought, as I've been watching Nova episodes and vintage Star Trek. And so I returned to my pursuit of cosmology and the thought of purposelessness (which my faith at one time alleviated) which now brought me hope instead of distress.

If everything is meaningless, than I am not important. If I am not important, neither are my ambitions, nor my shortcomings, nor my quest for validation.


In this thought, I let out a deep sigh of relief

In thinking this, for the first time I felt as though I had begun to achieve my present objective of death to self. That is, selfish ambition, selfish affirmation, and being self absorbed. By dying to all of these things I believe I can serve God and those made in his image selflessly.

So in light of my nihilistic conclusions about the universe, I realized that my quest for self mortification was selfish and individualistic. It was just as much focused inward as the narcissism it sought to remedy.

But if I let go of my "importance" in realizing that the universe is vast and I am small, than there is no process. I become less. I am diminished. I am shrunken. I am insignificant.

That socially awkward remark I made which lingers in my mind to the point of emotionally self inflicted woundedness, it is irrelevant.

All of my mistakes, big and small. They are irrelevant.

All of accomplishments which lead me to think I am special... they are irrelevant. 

I write this not simply for my own benefit, but I think that many of us need to begin a similar process.

This thought struck me while reading an article by Brian McLaren here.

McLaren, talking about how North American Christians might appear to an alien race who is investigating our planet, concludes the following:

...If you doubt what I’m saying, listen next time you’re singing in worship. It’s about how Jesus forgives me, embraces me, makes me feel his presence, strengthens me, forgives me, holds me close, touches me, revives me, etc., etc. Now this is all fine. But if an extraterrestrial outsider from Mars were to observe us, I think he would say either a) that these people are all mildly dysfunctional and need a lot of hug therapy (which is ironic, because they are among the most affluent in the world, having been materially blessed in every way more than any group in history), or b) that they don’t give a rip about the rest of the world, that their religion/spirituality makes them as selfish as any nonChristian, but just in spiritual things rather than material ones. (That last sentence may be worth another read.)

There's much more to this article worth checking out, but it will suffice to say that even in our worship to God, we are in a paradoxical way affirming ourselves and our statuses. Perhaps the problem is that we have been taught to focus solely on what we are. We have been taught to ask the question of status and standing and position. And these are the things we affirm in our songs, in our reading of scripture, and in the longings of the deepest parts of our being.

What am I? I am nothing. If I am nothing than I am free to be anything for Christ.

REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE DUST, AND TO DUST YOU SHALL RETURN