V. The personal lessons learned from Augustine’s vulnerabilities
It has been said that confession is good for the soul but bad for the reputation. Below are some thoughts that have stirred my soul and caused me to, whether significant or not, change or reflect on some important things at a deeper level.
As I have read Augustine, I came to believe that the intentions of my earliest endeavors were much nobler than my current ones. That is, when I sought after an education, my intention was to come to know more of the Lord, which I believed to be worth any price (and still do). Where I arrived in that endeavor was the life that Augustine went on to live before coming to faith. I desire to be learned, well read, a great orator, in order that I might cripple my intellectual opponents and be revered by my peers and instructors. My education was/is not in vain, that is until it becomes vain when my ambitions are more about me and my status and less about God and what He would have for me.
Two other portions of the book, in his vulnerability, articulated in words what only my spirit in groans could communicate. Augustine spoke on the death of his friend and the death of his Mother. In both testimonies, the circumstances spoke what I could not have the strength to compose or speak of without emotional exhaustion. I lost my friend to cancer just a little over a year ago, and before that I lost my beloved Grandmother, who, like Monica, was a humble servant of the Lord. Married to a difficult man, her gentle disposition and commitment were more powerful than the condescension of an unappreciative husband. She ministered with deep love to all who knew her.
As I have already stated, Augustine’s understanding of sin (not on all levels) is helpful in that in some way I had felt that God was responsible for my actions. I was created with a genetic predisposition, I was nurtured in a fashion of difficulty, and therefore my sin was in some way not my own. It was only the outward manifestation of that which I could not contain within me. Couple this with Augustine’s conformity of the will to the purposes of God, and I realize that I am not bound by circumstance nor by heritage or legacy. The chains have been loosened enough that I am able to, by my own volition, yet only with the help of God, move from that which has ensnared me.
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